we are attracted to this for a reason. in the beginning it all seems so clear but after time so many of us lose sight. the image gets smudged by back-stabbing, scene points, who got to the barricade first, list spots, message board drama, backstage passes and name dropping.

don't you remember why you wanted this? when it was more than music. when it was a fight. and not a fight against your parents and the kids at school or even the popular radio dance crap you hear day in and day out. when it was about a real fight...the fight to save yourself from yourself.

see, this isn't about that hot and sweaty feeling of being smashed in a sea of a thousand people or playing dress up for the show or winking at the bass player or impressing boys or girls or bands or security guards or getting on tour busses...

it's about being alone in your room with headphones on and feeling it so hard it brings tears to your eyes.

its about driving home alone at night and screaming at the top of your lungs to words that at that moment in the world, only you understand.

its about not being scared anymore.

its about the refusal to sit on a couch and rot.

its about forcing yourself out the door to be productive.

and its about wanting to live so hard you just know you're going to shred this world or go out trying.

-christopher gutierrez

Sometimes, I forget why I'm here. I forget why I go to this school, why I learn what I learn, why I go to shows, why I'm living this life. I end up complaining about the people or the homework or the silly little things, that I really end up forgetting that I love this and that I would do anything to make all of this mine. 

Some people here look at me like I'm here for the wrong reasons. I think they question my intentions, which is understandable considering I am a girl and most girls in my situation are in it for all the wrong reasons. But I do love this more than anything. Yes, I am a girl, but no I am not a slut trying to get with guys in bands. Yes, I stand in the back during most shows, but not because I don't care. I have permanent nerve damage, and the littlest bump could fuck it up even more. But the funny thing is is that that injury is why I'm here in the first place. And as I sit here with another potential fracture in the same arm that changed everything, I am reminded why I am here. 

I am so appreciative of everything that has happened to me in the past few years. My injury, the shows, the friends, this school. I'm a better person for it. But there are days when I question all of it. It's not because I'm unhappy, but I am just discontent with how I am using up my time.

I owe it to myself to make these situations better for myself. I will make something out of all of these experiences. And I say this because I care about it. The music is why I'm here, and a few bad days will not make me want to give it all up. I don't know anything else better in this world, and I'm determined to stay and make the most of it.