I've moved.

ohstumbleine.tumblr.com

i finally figured out commenting on there, and it's much easier, so I will posting on there from now on.

"People were interesting at first. Then later, slowly but surely, all the flaws and madness would manifest themselves. I would become less and less to them; they would mean less and less to me."
-Charles Bukowski

I have nothing to say really, except that quote pretty much sums up my entire experience in this life.
I want this next month to be over, not so I can go home and leave Boston and leave school, but so I can get away from everyone's negativity.
It's so hard to be in place you know is almost perfect for you, when literally everyone you become friends with hates everything about it.
Soon enough, you become exhausted of trying to make everyone happy, and I am at that point.
But I hope all of these people find what they are looking for. They deserve it.
I, on the other hand, need to stop trying to save everyone.

[insert title here]

I have nothing to talk about, so here are just some some songs that I have been listening to a lot lately.

01. Your Protector by Fleet Foxes.

02. Make You Feel My Love by Adele.

03. She Loves Everybody by Chester French.

04. Who'd Of Known by Lily Allen.

05. Winter '05 by Ra Ra Riot.

06. A Call To Arms by Bayside.

07. After Hours by We Are Scientists.

08. 17 by Kings of Leon.

09. Let It Fall by Lykke Li. 

10. The Fear by Lily Allen.

Have Love Will Travel

I spend a lot of time traveling, whether it's by bus (Boston to NYC for weekends) or by plane (Boston to Syracuse, but

probably with some layovers thrown in). I know South Station and Logan Airport very well, along with JFK and Dulles.

Actually, I probably know Dulles more than most people after spending almost 24 hours there during the most awful traveling

experience of my life, but that doesn't matter. I also know what airports have the best food, wi-fi and bookstores. I know what

terminals have the good food (McDonalds, Legal and Jamba!), and I tend to choose my airlines by what their terminals offer to

me. Basically, I'm an expert when it comes to traveling, except for the fact that it is still hard for me to handle my travel anxiety.

But putting all of this aside, the one thing that I love most about airports and traveling is seeing all of the destinations on the

departure board. Cairo, Brussels, Paris, London, Alaska, Stockholm, South Africa, etc. etc. etc. I always wonder about the people

going to these places and why they are going. This intrigues me but it also makes me think...

I feel so old! Less like 19 and more like 35. I know that I am so young, but when I see all of these places, I think about how

I may never see any of them and it scares me. I've seen and done so much, and I know I have so much hope for the future, but at

the same time, I feel like I will never get a chance. I would kill to go travel around Europe or Asia or even wander off to Alaska.

I've always been obsessed with the Travel Channel and Samantha Brown's job and life, and I would kill to see half of the places

that she has seen. There are so many places to see and not so much time to do any of it.

But maybe one day, I will board a plane to one of those places. Maybe many of those places.

My life is subject to change, and hopefully it's for the better.

But I swear, if I don't see Copenhagen before I die, I will be so upset.

Current Obsessions.

LADY GAGA!

I used to hate her, but now I love her. I think she is absolutely ridiculous, but her music is so catchy. Even though her lyrics are pretty awful (let's have some fun, this beat is sick. i wanna take a ride on your disco stick!?), her voice is actually incredible (check this video for proof). Think whatever you want, but she is doing something right. And I completely respect the hair bow.

My Friend Leonard by James Frey.

Now, I don't know how much of this book is actually true, but it is amazing. It takes off where A Million Little Pieces ends, and it ends up being so much better. There were about three moments  in the book that broke my heart, but I still could not put it down. It is probably my second favorite book ever (first is Killing Yourself To Live by Chuck Klosterman), and I recommend that you read it, and the Klosterman book, as well.

Other things I am currently obsessed with:

Lily Allen, acquiring a vinyl collection, The Charles Bukowski Tapes, Skins, Twitter, Heima the Sigur Ros DVD, Iceland in general, sleeping.

Geek Love.

Two of my favorite "nerdy" things, as of late:

Ludo

Ludo is a band that could be classified as a little weird. Their music video for "Love Me Dead" is something straight out of a messed up musical, and most of their music references weird subjects such as zombies, pterodactyls, and the apocalypse. They have even been known to have themed concerts for specific holidays.  But underneath all of the weird theatrics is a very talented band that is so hard to ignore. I saw them at Harper's Ferry in Boston with This Providence, Sing It Loud, and The Morning Light, and what I found out was that this band has such a large following of dedicated fans. There was so much audience participation and I have not seen a crowd so involved in a show since the City and Colour show at the Middle East last month. Frontman Andrew Volpe is a ridiculous vocalist, in more ways than one. He is such a talented vocalist, but he is also a very talented entertainer. He commands the stage with this very intriguing presence and if it weren't for him or the band's energy, I would probably find their music very, very weird. Well, it's still weird, but it's so original and fun, that it's easy to just appreciate the weird.

myspace

The Big Bang Theory (CBS Mondays at 8 PM EST)

I got into this show so late, and I hate myself for it. It's on right before one of my favorite shows, How I Met Your Mother, yet I have never watched it. It focuses on two very intelligent physicists, Leonard and Sheldon, their "nerdy" friends, and the new neighbor across the hall, Penny. Basically Leonard has a thing for Penny, Rajesh can't talk to attractive women unless he's drunk, Howard is kind of a nerdy man whore, and Sheldon is just really annoying. But overall this show is one of the funniest I have seen in awhile, and I really just wish that I had gotten into it sooner. Fortunately, it is only on the second season so catching up is not impossible. I suggest you watch it if you haven't already, and watch HIMYM while you're at it.

Love Love, Kiss Kiss

Instead of posting parts 3 and 4 of my 100 songs, I am just going to post the lyrics to the best song ever to blast on Valentine's Day. (If you are alone and annoyed with couples, that is.)

Take a look, you see I painted you a picture
It's black and white, except the blood's a little richer
Down in the corner where I gave it my signature
Then I titled it, "This one's for the winter"
Check it out you see it's just a big disaster

I'll dedicate it to the fact that it's so hard for you to dream
A million heartbeats all around you make it hard to sleep
It doesn't help you're freezing in your bed, your blankets aren't enough
All you want is someone there, and all you say is, "So what"

Love love, kiss kiss... blah blah blah
You're making me sick, I wish you'd just stop showing off
For the rest of us that no one wants to love
It's hard enough trying to drink another winter all alone
Love love, kiss kiss... blah blah blah

Well do you find you like to fall in love with people that you're never gonna meet?
It's easier than breaking up and crying in the street
Do you curse the happy couple? Do you cringe at wedding bells?
Do you drink up all the punch while you wish 'em all to hell?

You get the idea.

Thank you Alkaline Trio for getting me through this awful day.

Now, I plan on leaving this room, going to American Apparel, eating Chinese and cupcakes, and watching Eternal Sunshine until I cry and/or puke from the awfulness of this entire day.

100 Songs. (pt. 2)

01. Possum Kingdom- Toadies.

02. You Found Me- The Fray.

03. Can You Tell- Ra Ra Riot.

04. American Girl- Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers.

05. Electric Feel- MGMT.

06. The '59 Sound- The Gaslight Anthem.

07. Your House- Jimmy Eat World.

08. My Second Restraining Order- I Am The Avalanche.

09. Hey- The Movielife.

10. In This Diary- The Ataris.

11. Near To You- A Fine Frenzy.

12. Daylight- Matt & Kim.

13. Comin' Home- City and Colour.

14. California- Phantom Planet.

15. Passenger Seat- Death Cab For Cutie.

16. Hammers and Strings (A Lullaby)- Jack's Mannequin.

17. No One's Gonna Love You- Band Of Horses.

18. I Can Get Back Up Now- You, Me and Everyone We Know.

19. My Beautiful Rescue- This Providence.

20. Body In A Box- City and Colour.

21. When Your Mind's Made Up- Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova.

22. New York, I Love You- LCD Soundsystem.

23. Blinded (When I See You)- Third Eye Blind.

24. Please Come Home- Dustin Kensrue.

25. Come All You Weary- Thrice.

100 songs. (pt. 1)

In Christopher Gutierrez's recent livejournal post, he asked his friends to give him a list of 100 of their favorite songs of all time. I thought this was actually a good idea, so I stole it. I didn't ask anyone to do it, but I felt like I should think about it for myself. I will post this in four different posts, each containing 25 songs. They are not in any specific order and bands/artists may be repeated. 

01. Konstantine- Something Corporate.

02. Tiny Dancer- Elton John.

03. Tonight, Tonight- Smashing Pumpkins.

04. The World You Love- Jimmy Eat World.

05. Red Hands- The Dear Hunter.

06. Sundress- Ben Kweller.

07. Convinced I'm Wrong- Polar Bear Club.

08. Just Like Heaven- The Cure.

09. So Contagious- Acceptance.

10. A Walk Through Hell- Say Anything.

11. Swim- Jack's Mannequin.

12. Saturday- Fall Out Boy.

13. Don't Stop Believin'- Journey.

14. Manhattan- Kings of Leon.

15. Killbot 2000- Murder By Death.

16. Here It Goes- Jimmy Eat World.

17. Get Fighted- Alexisonfire.

18. Armed With A Mind- Have Heart.

19. The Girl- City and Colour.

20. Soco Amaretto Lime- Brand New.

21. Hardwood Floor- Annuals.

22. Momentum- The Hush Sound.

23. Wolves At Night- Manchester Orchestra.

24. Winter- Bayside.

25. Hey Jude- The Beatles.

The Secret: Day 38.

"We are all entirely free to choose whatever we want. The power is in your hands now, and you are the one who chooses how to use that power in your own life. You can choose:

To have a happier life today, or put it off until tomorrow.

What feels better? You choose."

Boston Bands.

I have been two two shows in the past week, one being Ra Ra Riot at my school, and the other being Nightmare of You at the Middle East Upstairs. Both bands did great, which is to be expected coming from both of them. But what surprised me the most was how much I loved their openers, both bands being from Boston.

With Engines (opened for Ra Ra Riot)

They were very impressive. Their music was just really fun to listen to, and they just had a really cool energy about them. I would say they are like Vampire Weekend meets The Beach Boys meets The Beatles with Death Cab For Cutie-style vocals and Chromeo keys. That kind of sounds like a mess, but trust me, they were very good. It's not very often that an opening band holds my attention quite like they did. 

myspace

upcoming show: February 12th at Bill's Bar in Boston

Almost Gold (opened for Nightmare Of You)

They were almost more impressive than With Engines, but not because of the music, because their music style is very different. But the one thing that impressed me the most about them was that this was their first show ever. They were completely unprepared when it came to merch, but when it came to their music, they couldn't have been more prepared. It definitely helped that they were a local band, because it seemed as if they had a lot of friends in the crowd, but they could have won the crowd over regardless. Their vocalist used to be in Scenes From A Movie, but I wouldn't really compare the two. The music was definitely catchy, and it wouldn't surprise me if you saw them in AP sometime soon. They are definitely going to become very popular in the near future.

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upcoming show: February 5th at Harper's Ferry in Boston

there's a black hole in the shadow of the pru.

If there is one place in Boston that I love more than anywhere else, it's the Prudential Center. There is a pretty classy mall on the lower levels, filled with restaurants and high class stores, one side of the center being classier than the other. Whenever I'm having a bad day, I take the T to the Pru and I just walk around staring at all of the clothes that I cannot buy, and all of the interesting people that wander around. I went there today, just because I had to pick up stuff at Barnes & Noble and Victoria's Secret, and it put me in such a great mood. I had Starbucks, and quickly realized that they have THE BEST green tea frappucinos at this particular Starbucks. I'm really not going anywhere with this, but it my favorite place in Boston as of right now. One day, I plan on going to the top. And this goal and this building sit outside of my massive dorm room window, and everyday when I wake up, I'm reminded of that. 

People from here always say that the Pru helps them find where they have to be. It's a good guide to get back home. Boston may not be my actual home, but it's my home away from home, and this place is far too beautiful. I'm not completely happy here, but I have my moments. The Pru is the one thing that actually keeps me semi sane when I'm here at this school. It's weird to be so in love with a building, but when it's the one place that can make you happy no matter what, you might as well hold on to that.

When it comes to Boston, I'm happiest at the Pru, all alone. 

This is probably really weird. I don't mind though. 

Gran Torino.

I finally got around to watching this today. It was such a great and inspiring movie. I'm still pretty overwhelmed from it, but despite the sad nature of the ending, it was the only true way to end it. It really proved that there is always good in people, and that you cannot just judge someone without getting to know them. This movie is making me think far too much for my own good, but I recommend it to anyone. Amazing movie. I'm disappointed that it was pretty much overlooked for the Oscars. Clint Eastwood deserves so much recognition for this movie, and not just for his acting.

Lists!

I lost my Husky Card (My Northeastern University card that allows me to get into my room, buy food, and go to the dining hall). I am pretty sure I lost it at Urban last night when I was trying on jeans that I didn't even buy. But, anyways, I have to wait until Monday to get a new one, meaning I can't leave until class on Monday morning. This gives me an excuse to not get ready, not go out, and just sit here eating the food I have left in my room. But it also makes me very bored. So I am going to make random lists.

Bands that are not together anymore, but I wish were:

01. Piebald.

02. Something Corporate.

03. Acceptance.

04. The Movielife.

05. Midtown.

06. Paper Rival.

Bands I have been listening to a lot lately:

01. The Gaslight Anthem.

02. Kings of Leon.

03. Polar Bear Club.

04. Ra Ra Riot.

05. MGMT

06. The Black Keys.

Things I Am looking forward to:

01. My birthday (February 10th)

02. New York City the weekend before my birthday.

03. Ra Ra Riot on Wednesday for free!

04. Katy Perry in April.

05. Spring Break.

06. Other Stuff!

The Best Movies I have Seen Lately:

01. Slumdog Millionaire.

02. Milk.

03. Towelhead.

04. Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist.

05. Fight Club (I was VERY behind on this one. Don't ask)

06. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

Things I Miss About Home:

01. Friends.

02. Local shows.

03. Strong Hearts.

04. My bed.

05. My family.

06. Driving around.

Things I Am Currently Obsessed With:

01. Lady Gaga (I want to be her. No joke)

02. Series 3 of Skins.

03. House of Leaves.

04. How I Met Your Mother.

05. Green Tea Frappucinos.

06. Lean Cuisine's Roasted Garlic Chicken pizzas. 

I have no life. 

Two things that make me very happy today.

01. One year anniversary of Heath Ledger's death

And by that, I do not mean I am happy about it. But I am very happy that on this day, he received an Oscar nomination for his role in The Dark Knight. It's very good timing for him to get nominated for that role again. He deserves it. He will most likely get it. Other than that nomination, I'm very glad that Slumdog Millionaire got 10 nominations. One of my favorite movies that I have seen in a very long time. 

02. Skins starts tonight!

Well, it does over in Europe at least. But there is always the internet. So those clever little British kids better share with us Americans. I will miss Sid and Cassie and everyone else, but I look forward to Effy's story and the new characters.

If you haven't watched Series 1 and 2 of Skins, I suggest you go look around the internet for the episodes. It's well worth your time.

Recommend me some music.

Problem: I listen to the same music over and over again everyday. I listen to many different types of music, but I tend to listen to the same bands and artists constantly. So, if you read this at all, please comment and give me your recommendations. If you can provide a link or something, that would be really helpful too. Thanks in advance.

To make sure you don't give me something I already listen to,

Here are my favorites: Jack's Mannequin, Jimmy Eat World, City and Colour, Fall Out Boy, Smashing Pumpkins, Something Corporate, Polar Bear Club, Lydia, Brand New, Say Anything, Acceptance, The Gaslight Anthem, Alkaline Trio, Manchester Orchestra, Kings of Leon, I Am The Avalanche, The Movielife, MGMT, Journey, The Beatles, Tom Petty, Heart, New Found Glory, Saves The Day, The Get Up Kids, Demi Lovato, Ra Ra Riot, Danger Radio, Duffy, Laura Marling, The Spill Canvas, Have Heart, Every Time I Die, Fun, The Hush Sound, M83, Ryan Adams, Sigur Ros, Mew, Alphabeat, The Black Keys, Midtown etc. 

You get the idea.

Now tell me your favorites!

Secrets.

This is my secret, too.

leave home.

leave familiar.

leave the course you're on because you never wanted to be there in the first place.

leave him.

leave her.

leave because they don't appreciate your love, now do they really?

and with each passing day you slowly lose your shine

your glow

your spark

your fight

your heart.

you talk about it all the time.

just fucking leave...

and find yourself.

- christopher gutierrez.

I don't know where I am my happiest anymore. I love Boston, don't get me wrong. I love it so much. I think that it is a great city and a great place to gain experience. But, I miss home. I miss my friends. I don't have many friends there. No one that reminds me of home. The only time I ever really feel like myself in that city is when I'm alone, wandering around or just sitting in my room. Except for maybe two people, no one really makes me feel like I do when I'm home. I don't really trust anyone there, but that's not really different from here. I really wish I could open up to people there, but it's just so hard. Maybe I haven't met the right people, but I hope I do soon. I watch that place slowly destroy everyone, and I feel like we could all be happier if we just found what we were looking for.

But I think my problem is much larger than that.

I don't think I can sit still. I need to get out and see so much more than just Boston. I want to go back to the Oregon coast. I want to go to Europe. I want to travel around with good friends in cars and just see as much as possible. I enjoy not sleeping. I love laughing at nothing and sing alongs with complete strangers. 

I am my happiest when I am a bit of a mess.

I need this education. But I also need to get out and meet new people and see new things, because my wandering mind has no use for me sitting in lonely dorms and classrooms with kids only concerned with getting to the top.

I don't want to get to the top.

I just want to be happy.

And once I can rid myself of this routine, I will be off running.

Things To Do Before I (Die).

These are the main things I wish to accomplish in my lifetime. Let's see how much I can do in 2009.

01. Visit:

-Copenhagen, Denmark

-London

-Ireland

-France

-Italy

-Australia

-Alaska

-Africa

-China

-Japan

-Iceland

-California

02. Hear Konstantine sung live. (Preferably within a Something Corporate reunion, but I will settle for just Andrew if he ever decides to do it.)

03. Learn fluent French and Danish.

04. Go to big music festivals (SXSW, Coachella, Bonnaroo, Lollapalooza, Glastonbury, etc.)

05. Open my own music venue.

06. Write a novel.

07. Get another tattoo.

08. Own every Charles Bukowski book ever made.

09. Go on tour.

10. Visit all 50 states.

11. Meet Michael Cera.

12. Donate a large amount of money to a charity anonymously. 

13. Donate blood.

14. Go to the top of the Prudential Center, Empire State Building, and the Sears Tower.

15. Graduate college.

16. Be an extra in a movie.

17. Be an extra in a music video.

18. Own 1,000 books and create my own library.

19. Write a song.

20. Be happy. (okay this one is kind of a joke, but i couldn't think of another one, and i needed to end it evenly.)

There is probably more that I could add, but not right now.

Bring Me Your Love Tonight.

I saw this man tonight at the Middle East in Boston.

And I am convinced that he is one of the most talented people I have ever come across. Someone who is far better live than on a recording, hands down.

I went alone. Mainly because it was sold out and no one else who offered to go with me could get a ticket. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Being alone has its perks sometimes. Sure, you have no one to talk to, but you're never really alone and you're never really bored.

William Elliott Whitmore opened, and he was incredible. I had chills his entire set, and that never happens. 

City and Colour started not long after, and played just about everything good, except for Save Your Scissors and Casey's Song. But we did get to hear The Girl, Body In A Box, Comin' Home, As Much As I Ever Could, etc. etc. so it's not like we didn't get to hear anything incredible. The best moment of the entire set was probably when Dallas asked us all to sing the chorus of Sleeping Sickness really loud along with him. I think I must have had the biggest smile on my face at this point. It was probably one of my favorite moments from any show I have ever been to, even though it didn't last long.

I could go on and on about this show, and Dallas in general, but I won't. But he is so talented, and so is his band and if you don't already listen to them, please do yourself a favor. 

we are attracted to this for a reason. in the beginning it all seems so clear but after time so many of us lose sight. the image gets smudged by back-stabbing, scene points, who got to the barricade first, list spots, message board drama, backstage passes and name dropping.

don't you remember why you wanted this? when it was more than music. when it was a fight. and not a fight against your parents and the kids at school or even the popular radio dance crap you hear day in and day out. when it was about a real fight...the fight to save yourself from yourself.

see, this isn't about that hot and sweaty feeling of being smashed in a sea of a thousand people or playing dress up for the show or winking at the bass player or impressing boys or girls or bands or security guards or getting on tour busses...

it's about being alone in your room with headphones on and feeling it so hard it brings tears to your eyes.

its about driving home alone at night and screaming at the top of your lungs to words that at that moment in the world, only you understand.

its about not being scared anymore.

its about the refusal to sit on a couch and rot.

its about forcing yourself out the door to be productive.

and its about wanting to live so hard you just know you're going to shred this world or go out trying.

-christopher gutierrez

Sometimes, I forget why I'm here. I forget why I go to this school, why I learn what I learn, why I go to shows, why I'm living this life. I end up complaining about the people or the homework or the silly little things, that I really end up forgetting that I love this and that I would do anything to make all of this mine. 

Some people here look at me like I'm here for the wrong reasons. I think they question my intentions, which is understandable considering I am a girl and most girls in my situation are in it for all the wrong reasons. But I do love this more than anything. Yes, I am a girl, but no I am not a slut trying to get with guys in bands. Yes, I stand in the back during most shows, but not because I don't care. I have permanent nerve damage, and the littlest bump could fuck it up even more. But the funny thing is is that that injury is why I'm here in the first place. And as I sit here with another potential fracture in the same arm that changed everything, I am reminded why I am here. 

I am so appreciative of everything that has happened to me in the past few years. My injury, the shows, the friends, this school. I'm a better person for it. But there are days when I question all of it. It's not because I'm unhappy, but I am just discontent with how I am using up my time.

I owe it to myself to make these situations better for myself. I will make something out of all of these experiences. And I say this because I care about it. The music is why I'm here, and a few bad days will not make me want to give it all up. I don't know anything else better in this world, and I'm determined to stay and make the most of it.

The Secret.

So, I never understood the hype of The Secret. In all honesty, I still really have no idea what it is or why it is such a huge deal, but I do know that it has something to do with the Law of Attraction, whatever that is. 

But anyways, I was curious, and so I tried to look for the book, but it wasn't at the store so I got some daily reminder thing, where they give you quotes from the book or theories or whatever. Today's was pretty funny/weird:

"You are a unique and magnificent human being. Of all the billions of people on the planet, there is not another You, and your very existence is vital to the functioning of our Universe, because you are one part of that whole Universe. All that you see, and all that there is, could not exist without you!"

That is honestly the funniest thing I have heard all day, and I have no idea why.